Monty Python and the Adventures of Spam
by narikaival
Summary: Monty Python and the Adventures of Spam! Doesn't that say enough? Some people that you thought were dead from The Holy Grail are back and this time they are in search of Spam!
1. Meeting our Spam Adventurers

Monty Python and the Adventures of Spam  
  
Chapter 1 Meeting our Spam Adventurers  
  
Writers Comment: I don't own Monty Python or any Characters associated with it but I wish I did! I used Spam because they always say that on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Please R & R!   
  
King Arthur the King of the Britain's; Survived  
  
Sir Lancelot; Survived  
  
Sir Robin; Dead  
  
Sir Galahad; Dead  
  
It all started on the Bridge. The 'Place' where they disappear to is where it all starts.  
  
"Sir Galahad shouldn't we be dead?" Sir Robin asked.  
  
"Well I would think so!" Sir Galahad replied.  
  
They see a white bunny.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Sir Galahad it's that bunny!"  
  
"Oh shut up Sir Robin! Not to worry! I found the holy hand grenade!"  
  
Sir Galahad threw it at the bunny and they think all their troubles are solved!  
  
"Let's get out of here!" Sir Robin said.  
  
"Ya that's what I think we should do!"  
  
A loud horse galloping can be heard in the Distance!  
  
I apologize for my short chapter but it's just the opening chapter! Please R&R! 


	2. Who is Alive?

Chapter 2; who is Alive?  
  
Soon a man that is riding an invincible horse can be seen hitting Coconuts together. That man is Arthur the King of the Britain's.  
  
"OH! This is so hard! I never used to have to do this!" He whines.  
  
Narrator: SHUT UP! YOU ARE SUCH A BABY!  
  
"Have you ever done this before?"  
  
Narrator: Hmmmmmmm........ Now that I think about it no I have never done that before! But I'll try! It likes like fun!  
  
"Are you being sarcastic?"  
  
Narrator: Yes I am! Now let's get back to the story!  
  
"Oh you piece of SHIT!"  
  
Just then a storm cloud goes over Arthur's head and a bolt of lightning hits him.  
  
Narrator: HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Hey! You want me to come up there!"  
  
Arthur then comes upon a man-drenched blood.  
  
"He he he he he! You cheap British fool! You went right into my trap! For I am Louis le tricky!" The man called Louis le Tricky said.  
  
"Blimee!" A man said  
  
"HEY YOUR SUPOSE TO BE IN THIS STORY! STEVE IRWIN THE CROCCIDILE HUNTER!"  
  
"Oh yeah sorry bout that bloke!"  
  
He then leaves. King Arthur soon finds out that the man that is 'dead' is.................  
  
Sorry bout that cliffhanger ending but I guess you'll have to read on! Sorry bout this short chapter! Please R & R! 


	3. The Mysterious Spam Spotting

The mysterious Spam spotting  
  
......SIR LANCELOT! He stood up and saw Arthur the king of the Britain's staring at him.  
  
"WHO THE F are you? AND WHERE THE F AM I?" Sir Lancelot asked. Arthur then handed sir Lancelot a piece of paper. Sir Lancelot opened it and grinned manianically. "SPAM, SPAM WONDERFUL SPAM!"  
  
What the hell are you singing about now Sir Lancelot? I see it, it's golden Spam! No wait! It's two people! It looks like Sir Galahad and Sir Robin! It can't be them because they're dead!" Arthur said.  
  
"HEY HELP US! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY A BUNNY!" They said. They looked back and started to sing, "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What exactly is it you're singing about Sir Galahad and Sir Robin? I don't see anything but a...BUNNY! The WHITE BUNNY, EVERYONE HID WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY A DASTARDLY BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Arthur whined. Now this is where the story gets more toward the Monty Python genre! All of our heroes look up and see a castle. A man peeks out of the roof and he throws minuor on them. "Excuse me but what the F are you doing?" He asked.  
  
"He he he he he he he he he he! What does it look like I'm doing? I knew you when I saw you... you factious pig! I am Louis, Louis le tricky!" He said responding to Arthur's question. King Arthur then threw a coconut at the man named Louis le tricky.  
  
"I am your KING! I COMMAND YOU TO SURRENDER!" Arthur shouted to the man.  
  
"Why should I, you are a British person! I on the other hand am a beautiful French human being!"  
  
"Oh my mistake! Well then kind sir, would you happen to know where we could find some Spam?"  
  
"Why should I help you? Oh wait only an idiot wouldn't know where to get Spam! Go to the Safeway!"  
  
"Safeway? What's the Safeway?"  
  
"It's a grocery store!"  
  
"Thank you! Let's go!"  
  
"Wait you will have to get threw the black knight first!" And with that they were off. 


	4. The Black Knight is Twisted

Chapter 4; The Black Night is twisted  
  
The heroes of this story came up to a knight guarding the way. He had black armor on.  
  
"Excuse me but you have to get out of the way! Or you could stay there and be cut down by my sword! The choice is really yours!" King Arthur told him.  
  
"All shall pass!" The knight said.  
  
"Did you say none shall pass?"  
  
"Yes I did!"  
  
Narrator: No you didn't you idiot! You said all shall pass!  
  
Knight: Shut-up! I want to die because my life is a living hell!  
  
They started to fight and an hour later the knight's legs were cut off.  
  
"There I've won! Now let me pass!"  
  
"Just a flesh wound! I want to fight more! Now let me die!!!!"  
  
"No! I will not! You will die of old age or maybe your stupidity will kill you!"  
  
"Stab me already!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I want Spam!"  
  
"Well you're not getting any!"  
  
Director: What no, no, no! You're not following the script! I will personally make it you're problem if you do not kill this man!  
  
Arthur: I just don't see the point!  
  
Director: There is no point!  
  
Arthur: Fine!  
  
Arthur then stabbed the knight and killed him.  
  
Director: You finally did what I said to do you idiotic actor!  
  
Well I hope you enjoyed that chapter! It wasn't long but it was funny! Don't you agree?  
  
Arthur: Why did you have to write such an idiotic script?  
  
Me: Shut the hell up! Or you won't find the Spam, EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Arthur: Fine, I'll be quiet!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Good! Please R&R!!!!!! 


	5. The Attack of the pest

Chapter 5; The attack of the pest

After defeating the annoying black night Arthur and his knights continued on their journey. They came upon a weird looking old guy.

"Who are you and what do you want with me?" the weird looking old guy said.

"We would like to get across this bridge!" King Arthur said.

"Hehehehehehe, you can't! It's sealed off with MAGIC!!!!" All of a sudden a lightning bolt struck Sir Robin.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Help I'm on fire!!! AHHHHHaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhha....ah......ah?" Sir Robin screamed as the fire went out.

"I told you that it was blocked by MAG..........." he said.

"Okay, okay we get the picture! How do we get through this seal of you know what?"

"You must defeat the three headed..."

"Dog?"

"NO! The three headed mosquito! He uses MAG..."

"STOP! A three headed mosquito? That's easy enough!"

"Let's just squash it like a bug!" Sir Lancelot said.

"It's not so easy, it's two times the size of a regular mosquito!" The weird guy replied.

"Thank you good sir! Where is the mosquito?" King Arthur asked.

"Oh no hide me!!!"

"What?"

"It's coming."

"SILENCE!!! KING ARTHUR YOU WANT TO CROSS THE BRIDGE TO GET TO THE GOLDEN SPAM!!" The mosquito said.

"Yes!" King Arthur said.

"SILENCE! YOU MUST DEFEAT ME!! HAVE AT ME!" King Arthur and the giant mosquito started to fight. "YOU ARE TOUGHER THAN I IMAGINED!" The mosquito took out a sword and wildly swung it at King Arthur.

Director: Hit him! Hit him!!!!

Arthur: Hit whom?

Director: Never mind!!!

Mosquito: Yes hit who? If you expect him to hit me then I quit!

Director: Um... Never mind, continue fighting.

"You will now die Mosquito!" Arthur said as he stabbed the mosquito with his sword. "I have won, now the bridge should be unsealed! Let's go!" They crossed the bridge and were off on their journey.

Writers comment: Well hope you enjoyed that chapter! Please R & R.


	6. Behold the Castle of Louis le Tricky

Chapter 6: Behold the castle of Louis le Tricky!

Writers note: Well here is the next chapter. It is dedicated to shadowthief62 for saying that this story was dumb, I salute you!

After crossing the bridge our heroes came upon a huge castle. They went up to the front of the castle. "Hello, is anybody there?" King Arthur asked.

"Who is there?" A Frenchman said.

"It is me Arthur the King of the Britans! I am on a quest to find the golden Spam! Do you happen to know where it is?"

"Of course I do because I am French and Smarter than you British fools!"

"What is your name good sir?"

"I have met you before you idiot! I am Louis, Louis le Tricky!"

"Well then Mister Tricky, can you tell me where to find it?"

"Up your butt and around de corner!"

"Is that a joke?"

"What do you think?"

"Well I think your being sarcastic!"

"No really?"

"Well anyway could you please tell me where to find the Spam?"

"No why would I help an idiotic British person! You disgust me you idiot! I spit on your grave!!! I spit on your grand children's grave and most importantly I spit on de grave of your great, great grandchildren! You smell like a fish!"

"And you smell like a frog!"

"Stop it! Don't you dare insult me you, you idiot!"

"I don't we'll ever find it! Let's go!"

"Run away you idiot! I spit on you!" King Arthur and his knights went on their way to find the golden Spam until they were soon pelted with baby animals. "Ha ha ha! Do you like that you idiot?"

"Stop that!"

"Louis le Tricky has left his mark on de idiot King and his battalion of morons!"

"Hey I heard that! You'll get yours!"

"You don't have de guts!"

"Want me to come up there?"

"Actually I don't! You are too idiotic to even know how to invade a castle!"

"Grrr!!! I am going to make you pay!"

"You suck! Your parents were monkeys and you are a big, hairy, stinky, fish breathed ape! You disgust me!" King Arthur decided to let the insults pass until Louis le Tricky made a very insulting remark. "Running away you yellow bellied bastard?"

"Shut up you frog! I will make you pay! You are just too scared to come done here! You are the one who insults me!"

"Oh that really hurts! Shut up!" Louis then stuck his tongue out and gave Arthur the finger. "Go away now you idiot!"

"Do you want to die?"

"You will now be pelted with manure!" Louis said as he threw big wads of manure at Arthur and his knights.

"RUN AWAY!!!" Arthur screamed. They ran away and went on their journey to find the golden Spam.

Writers note: Hope you enjoyed that chapter! Please R&R.


	7. A message from GOD!

Chapter 7-A message from GOD!

After the encounter with Louis le Tricky King Arthur and the rest of the knights continued along with their journey. They were galloping along banging coconuts together until a commanding voice said, "YOU MUST STOP!"

"Who are you to command us to stop?" King Arthur asked.

"WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION GOD?"

"You are not God, I've met him he has a very different voice than you!"

"I AM GOD!"

"No you're not!"

"YES I AM! I AM G-O-D, GOD! DO YOU DARE QUESTION ME AGAIN?"

"Are you really God?"

"N-YES."

"You were about to say no!"

"NO I WASN'T!"

"Yes you were!"

"What? Oh yes sir I got them on the skyline! Here's GOD!"

"God? Is that really you?"

"Yes, it is!" God said.

"That jerk off was imitating you!"

"What jerk off?"

"The guy that got us on the skyline!"

"Oh him! He was never talking to you!"

"Yes he was."

"No he wasn't, it was me that was messing with you!"

"You would actually do that to someone?"

"If I felt like it yes."

"That's mean."

"No it isn't, I'm god I can do anything!"

"Okay then, tell us why you have called upon us."

"If you do not find the Golden Spam you will be sent to hell!"

"How soon do we have to have it by?"

"In a week from next Tuesday!"

"That soon?"

"Yes that soon. Remember if you do not have it by a week from next Tuesday you and your battalion of morons will be sent straight to Hell."

"What if we get it to you before a week from next Tuesday?"

"You will get a big cash reward. Maybe some Bling-Bling!"

"Bling Bling? What the hell is that?"

"Jewelry."

"I have enough in my castle."

"WELL TOO BAD! Get me Spam by a week from next Tuesday or you will go to hell."

"Please have mercy God. We will get you the Spam or I will cut off my head myself!"

"Good, now go!" God yelled as King Arthur and what God called his battalion of morons left to go find the Golden Spam.

**_Writers Note: That was perhaps the shortest Chapter I have ever written but at least I got what I wanted to say across to you the audience. Hopefully you liked it. If you have any suggestions for the story then please tell me in a review. Remember constructive criticism is always welcome! Keep reading this story as I add more Chapters in the near future. I am planning to have 3 more chapters but I will try and make them much longer and much more funny. If by the end of the story you want more I will try to write a sequel. Until then I must go back to my home planet and attempt to take over the world! ( I am currently constipated!)_**


	8. Have they actually found what they've be...

Chapter 8; Have they actually found what they've been looking for?

After their threat from God, King Arthur and the rest of the knights had to find the Golden Spam or they would be sent straight to hell. They came upon a road and there was a sign pointing down the road. The sign said:

This way to the Glorious Golden Spam!

……Beware of the monstorous monkey!

"Well let's go, it seems safe enough," King Arthur said without reading the fine print. Before they were off Arthur saw Sir Lancelot starring at the sign. "What are you doing Sir Lancelot? Why are you acting like a weirdo?"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Sir Lancelot screamed as he started to run around in circles.

"Calm down Lancelot. Maybe I should look at the sign again," Arthur said as he examined the sign closer than he was before. King Arthur's eyes widened and he started doing the same as Lancelot, running around acting like a total and complete idiot.

"RUN AWAY FROM THE MONKEY!" Lancelot screamed even louder than he did before.

"What's all this about a monkey?" Sir Gallahad asked in an angry but calm voice. It was quite clear that he was getting annoyed by Arthur and Lancelot.

"There is a monstorous monkey beyond this point," King Arthur explained to Sir Gallahad as he was calming down.

"Well I don't think it will be as bad as the Rabbit we ran into before," Sir Gallahad replied to King Arthur as he tried to calm both Arthur and Lancelot down.

"You're right, well then we shall be off," King Arthur said as they all went down the road. Lancelot still looked frightened. The all started galloping and banging coconuts together until they came upon what looked like the Golden Spam on a platform. "Here we are at the Golden Spam. We have finally made it, let us pray to the heavens," Arthur said as they went on their knees and started to pray under their breath. King Arthur stood up and slowly grabbed the spam. "We have found the Golden Spam just like you wanted god!" God appeared and looked at the Golden Spam very carefully.

"That is not the Golden Spam! You are trying to scam me," God said sounding very angry.

"It is not the Golden Spam my lord?"

"No it's the Fools Golden Spam. You have made me very angry and now you only have two days left to find the Golden Spam!"

"But we still have 6 days from next Tuesday."

"By presenting me the Fools Golden Spam you have angered me and I am reducing the time you have to find it."

"Very well my lord, we will find the Golden Spam in two days," Arthur said being disappointed. He and the rest of the knights left to find the Golden Spam.

_**Writers note: Thank you for being interested enough in this story to be reading this far. Sorry for the short chapter. There will be two more chapters after that if all my plans go well. I hope you have enjoyed the story so far and I hope you will read until the end. I know that I said I would try to make the chapters longer, but meh. I will try a lot harder to make the last two chapters at least a thousand words or more. Well until then please R&R.**_


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